Epic Rap Battles- Who Wins? Part 2

Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers- Winners= No one really gave any “oh snap or “damn” disses. Both sides basically talk about their own feats and end up arguing with themselves so there you have it.

Albert Einstein vs Stephen Hawking- Winner= Einstein. Off the bat Einstein has some insaaaaane digs. Already starting clever, when Einstein applies his theory of battling, minds truly are relatively blown. He tells Hawking to take a seat which he brought himself (damn). He proceeds to insult him by saying that his voice sounds like Wall-E having sex with a Speak & Spell. The “being dope as two rappers means he is Albert E= MC squared” is also a dope line. Hawking kind of uses playground insults against Einstein such as him having a p-brane (pea brain) and the 10 millions of millions of particles being in the universe and his mother taking the ugly ones to make Einstein. Einstein is a straight savage because he tells Hawking that he’s (Einstein) the giant whose shoulders Hawking stands on if Hawking can even stand. The mic should already be dropped by this point and then he continues by mocking the fact that Hawking’s black hole theories had flaws and he would rip a hole into Hawking bigger than the holes his theory had. Hawking uses another playground insult by claiming that his mind is a supercomputer and Einstein’s is a TI-82. Sorry Hawking, Einstein did really tear a hole into you bigger than a black hole.

Frank Sinatra vs Freddie Mercury- Winner= Freddie Mercury. Frankie makes fun of Freddie’s teeth and everyone knows Mercury wasn’t known for his pretty teeth. Ouch. But Freddie doesn’t care so does it matter? Freddie’s line about him being more powerful when he wears women’s pants is a good jab as he definitely rocked the white pants. Freddie uses his accomplishments like how crazily famous he became in South America and also calls Sinatra boring who compared to Mercury, is not very relative and pretty factual. Mercury uses the fact that Sinatra was in cahoots with the Mafia. That’s pretty serious. Sinatra uses the fact that Mercury died of A.I.D.S. and says he played Butthole Roulette and lost the draw. No need to go into further explanation for that. The way Freddie so confidently ends his rap by stating that he left his mark on his history and telling Sinatra to kiss his ass but will have to wait in line earns him the victory. 4-3 Epic Lloyd

Frederick Douglass vs Thomas Jefferson- Winner= Frederick Douglass. There’s no need to go into any detail of the disses Jefferson used. He basically only describes his accomplishments which are very impressive (2nd vice president, 3rd president of the U.S. etc). Jefferson thinks Frederick is a nobody who looks like a skunk in 3-piece suit. Douglass rips Jefferson to shreds. He basically holds him accountable for participating in the slave trade and does nothing about even though he claimed to have hated it. Jefferson doesn’t even rebut, he just raps about how bad he felt but had to justify it to survive. Yup, how Douglass says it sums it all up because it’s not Louisiana and he ain’t buying it. Jefferson talked a lot about freedom but didn’t do diddly. This battle goes to Freddie D.

Gandalf vs Dumbledore- Winner= Nobody. A couple of sexual innuendos here. Gandalf asks how Albus’ little wand compares to his long staff. The disses aren’t that strong in this one and Gandalf’s blows about Albus being gay would be insults if the world wasn’t as progressive today. I don’t think Gandalf cares that he doesn’t have a title like Headmaster. Albus makes a dick joke back Gandalf about him compensating with his staff. The Expecto Patronum line is clever but it’s not OH!. A pretty mild battle. No winner.

George Washington vs William Wallace- Winner= William. Washington begins by burning Wallace with the fact that he got drawn and quartered. He continues by stating his only legacy is the film with Mel Gibson in it while Washington has a state, a day, and a capital. Wallace gets George back pretty good by calling him a dick stiffer than his monument. He goes on with saying that George died as a slave owner but he died after setting men free. George tries to rebut with by flexing himself and his country by saying he’ll chop Wallace like he did cherry trees and and the symbol of power from the American flag but that’s just words. The part that really sticks out is telling Wallace he’ll sack him in the privates because Wallace wears nothing underneath. I would say Wallace kind of had more of an edge on this one because of mocking George and the monument and the slavery dig. 5-3 Epic Lloyd

Ghostbusters vs Mythbusters- Winner= Mythbusters. This one easily goes to Mythbusters because they roast the Ghostbusters dodgy science and actually use proof to prove the Ghostbusters are whack. Nuff said

Goku vs Superman- Winner= Goku. Superman tries to scare Goku by telling him he’ll freeze his whole measly species and he’ll snap a carrot period but Goku ain’t having none of it bruh. Superman even goes so far as to stay that Dragonball Z animation is awful and the plots are complicated? GTFO BRUH. Goku is right. How many times can they reboot Superman? His stories (imo) really have been boring since the 1940s. Yes, he’s hopeful, yes he’s inspirational, but I can name 100 heroes more interesting, even his Absolute version. With the movie Superman Returns and arguably even the original Superman films, one may watch the clock to because of how slow they are. Superman does have one good dig though, about the Z characters getting punched and hurt and screaming a lot. I’ll give him that. The absolute finisher is when Goku reminds Supes that he got beat by Batman. The final diss is pretty damn dirty though, making a reference to Christopher Reeves. You gotta listen to it to know.

Gordon Ramsay vs Julia Child- Winner= Julia Child. The English vs American chef. Julia Child convinces me when she literally “roasts” Gordon by comparing him to a amuse-bouche as a kid and putting a timer for 30 years thus preparing a huge douche. The donkey/Shrek line is good. Child spits facts about his personality- he may be successful as a businessman but he lacks in the social department. She finishes him by calling him the pissiest bitch. Damn.

Guy Fawkes vs Che Guevara- Winner= Guy Fawkes. Guevara takes the first dig at Fawkes insulting him for his botched plan against King James I but Fawkes dig goes deeper as he asks Guevara if it hurts to see himself popularized and helping the very cause he tried to fight- capitalism. Guevara thinks he’s a badass by bringing up the cliche Catholics are molesters (who Fawkes fought for) and by making a dad-joke pun by making fun of his outfit and saying V for Very Bad Hat. Yes yes. We get it. And then he gets more clever by referencing What Does the Fawkes Say and imitating the sound when he mocks Fawkws because he was emasculated. Fawkes burns Che good that the raps arent evenly distributed like the communism that Che is hoping for. He calls Che an ump-che (pig latin) and then just blows up by referencing the 5th of November Gunpowder Plot and says he’s on fire like fireworks. No chance Che, no chance.