Epic Rap Battles- Who Wins? Part 1

Abraham Lincoln vs Chuck Norris- Winner= Chuck Norris. First off, Norris takes a shot (this time metaphorically), at Lincoln by saying his raps will blow his mind like the verbal John Wilkes Booth who literally shot the man. While Lincoln spits impressive facts like winning the American Civil War, having his head on Mount Rushmore and his face on a penny, they are not as epic as Norris’ feats and Lincoln’s got weak roasts such as Norris losing to Bruce Lee in Return of the Dragon, him being a has-been selling out with the Total Gym, and Lincoln not bothering to watch Norris’s show Walker, Texas Ranger. Norris’ tone makes him sound fiercer, plus the fact that he’s spread more blood and gore than forty score which is 800 years and the fact that he split the Union with a roundhouse kick. His fists make the speed of light wish that it was faster and Lincoln may have freed the slaves but Chuck is everyone’s master. Yikes. Point to Epic Lloyd.

Alexander the Great vs Ivan the Terrible- Winner= Everyone except Ivan because it’s basically a roast on Ivan the Terrible from Alexander the Great, Frederick the Great, and Catherine the Great. Pompeii the Great is also in it but he dies in one second. This is hardly a rap battle so it doesn’t count.

Ash Ketchum vs Charles Darwin- Winner= Charles Darwin. Darwin plays alpha male dominant by already calling himself the fittest in natural selection. He takes a hilariously funny jab at Ash that he’s so ineffective he couldn’t turn 11 because Ash stays 10 the entire time in the series. More clever jokes like Ash being as soft as a Jigglypuff and saying “he’s got no Game, Boy”, clever AF. He also says he’s had a much bigger impact on the world by reversing the first words of the church (In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth), and that Ash only measures his worth by the sales of his merchandise which is still a hell of a lot and a feat to be proud of (almost $100 billion). Darwin calls Ash Mighty Morphin Michael Vick who was involved in dog-ring fighting (animal abuse) and Mighty Morphin refers to Power Rangers so he’s calling Ash a suped up version. Damn. Ash takes a dishonorable dig at Darwin’s kids and how they died from tuberculosis and scarlet fever while saying “Gotta catch ‘em all” which is the catchphrase for Pokemon. Any digs at family is a cop out so nuh-uh. Darwin’s last jab of Professor Oak giving Ash’s mom wood is the icing on this cake. Sorry Ash, you’re not the master in this battle.

Barack Obama vs Mitt Romney- Winner= Obama. Obama using Romney’s Mormon religion against him was clever. Also, there were many clever jabs at him: his father took all the greatness and left none for Romney, Romney should let gays teach him to dress and stop hating on them (Mormon beliefs on homosexuality), calling him a cheesecake because he’ so rich and white, and being a puppet for the Republicans who have their hands up his ass plus the funny pun on his name being a mitten. I’m afraid Mitt had nothing against Obama except a run-of-the-mill personal family jab at Michelle Obama calling her the female version of basketball star Patrick Ewing which is kind of a reach in my opinion.

Bruce Banner vs Bruce Jenner- Winner= Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner. Once Bruce transforms into Caitlyn after Banner also turns into Hulk, Jenner simply shreds him. Banner starts off strongly as he downplays Jenner’s achievements and calling Jenner overrated because of gaining fame after one gold Olympic medal and also taking a jab on how Jenner left his wife Kris and their kids but Jenner doesn’t care. Jenner calls Bruce a drifter which is practically true and ouch. He brings up the gross fact on how Hulk and She-Hulk committed incest in the comics and how Banner couldn’t stop his father killing his mother when he was a kid. Double ouch. I suppose Hulk did have some good comebacks when he made a jab about Kylie being 18 and being old enough to smash. Haha. From here on Jenner shreds Hulk. The point goes to Nice Peter.

Christopher Columbus vs Captain Kirk- Winner= Kirk. While Columbus makes witty lines about Klingons, Khan, Spock, and Sulu they ain’t clever or roasting enough. Kirk tells Columbus to actually go where he intends to this time and calls him a spaghetti-eating fuck- Kirk ain’t messin. Columbus had absolutely no chance here as Kirk says it’s Kobayashi, the unbeatable test at Starfleet Academy, and also tells Columbus to take his genocidal ass (because the Spanish were responsible for many indigenous deaths) off of his bridge. Point to Epic Lloyd. 2-1

Darth Vader vs Hitler- Winner= Hitler. The fact that Hitler is even a contestant for rap battles is astounding. They sure have the balls to use a character like this but I guess using Stalin and Kim Jong-Il for rap battles is also astounding although not as much. Hitler tries to roast Vader by saying he’s got to wear a helmet to cover up his burnt face and makes fun of his boots and cape but Vader don’t give an F. Hitler uses the lame-Anakin-in-the-prequels card. Hitler says he’ll use his great oratory skills to turn the Stormtroopers against Vader but Vader retaliates by saying he’s got the last laugh because he’s got a homeboy in Israel which is the homeland of the Jews, the very people Hitler tried to eradicate but failed. Freezing Hitler’s goose-stepping ass in carbonite isn’t so much a burn as it is a threat so unfortunately Hitler takes this win because his jabs were more personal. Epic Lloyd 3-1

Doc Brown vs Doctor Who- Winner= Doc Brown. While they both had pretty good digs and pretty mild insults, Brown gets the slight edge over Who here. Who takes a dig at Brown calling him a pedophilic old man but Brown gets the edge by taking two digs at Who telling him he’s not a real doctor and making fun of his virginity and that he never gets any despite having attractive female companions with him. He even takes a good third dig by making fun of the special effects of Doctor Who. Brown is 3 for 3.

Donald Trump vs Ebenezer Scrooge- Winner= No winner since it’s Trump telling Scrooge that 3 ghosts will appear in the form of J.P Morgan (Christmas Past), Kanye West (Christmas Present), and Death (Christmas Future) who proceed to cleverly rehash what they respectively tell Scrooge in A Christmas Carol.

Dr. Seuss vs William Shakespeare- Winner= Tie. Shakespeare’s eloquence and way with words and the way he uses them in a humorous way is a point to the Bard. Him calling Seuss a hoebag and saying he has no gonads (balls) is pretty funny. On the other side of the coin though, Seuss paints a Cat in the Hat who raps and tells Shakespeare that his works leave people bored which yeah…..they’re not for everyone. Shakespeare makes the dig that Seuss is predictable. Things 1 and 2 cleverly use Shakespeare’s words against him when they say all does not end well and that he’s going to be upstaged, I call this one a tie. Points to both Nice Peter and Epic Lloyd. 4-2 Epic Lloyd.